Category Archives: Coming Out

Coming Out: Can you change being gay?

I’ve often thought that coming out these days is easier than it was in decades past, but it is still not uncomplicated. Information about homosexuality is freely available online now, but there is also information out there that can be caustic. An article, “The shocking truth about religious ‘gay cure’ therapy by someone who failed to turn straight,” reopened my eyes to how traumatic and damaging certain sources of information can be for those looking to come out of the closet.

There are two paths that come from the realization that you are gay: acceptance and denial. This statement does not mean that they are as simplistic as they sound – a path to acceptance can be long and complex. But the path of denial can be downright destructive. LGBT people still have higher rates of suicide, especially young people, and that fact betrays some serious issues.

I’ve read about, studied, and lead group discussions about organizations that claim they can change a person from being gay to straight. One of the most notorious examples is Exodus International. Their website claims that they can give “…hope and help to people seeking freedom from homosexuality” (“Exodus International”). This is one way of looking at it, but in the long run this type of approach can cause long-lasting damage.

When I was in college I went to a local ex-gay group with a lesbian friend to see what I could learn from it. Both my friend and I had been out for years at that point and were confident in who we were. We sat in a conference room with about a dozen others while a woman spoke about God’s intent for everyone, and how we should all be what God wanted. By the time we left we didn’t think we were straight, but we certainly had a strange feeling like something was wrong with us. I can’t imagine how someone who is just coming to terms with her or himself might feel and react to this type of situation.

The problem with this is that God’s intent is interpreted differently by everyone, and this version of God’s will can cause harm to others.

Since 1997, the American Psychological Association has condemned reparative therapy because of the harm it can cause. “…the APA opposes all portrayals of lesbian, gay and bisexual people as mentally ill and in need of treatment due to their sexual orientation” (Herek). In a study, those who suffered through reparative therapy reported things like issues with self-esteem, self-hatred, depression, social withdrawal, suicidal thoughts, increased substance abuse, and being dehumanized. (Glassgold, Beckstead, and et al ).

For anyone considering something like this, know that success rates for these programs are extremely low and are documented in scientific literature as such. They can cost thousands of dollars with no results at best and psychological trauma or suicide at worst (Levin). I would urge anyone with thoughts of conversion therapy to check out sites like PFLAG and Beyond Ex-Gay.

Most of all know that you are not alone, and that other people have walked these paths before. Read their stories, connect with them, and make informed decisions. This isn’t an issue about religious convictions or what God wants. This is an issue about life, making the most of one’s precious time on this earth, and being true to yourself.

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Should you come out?

One of the most basic questions I’ve been asked about coming out is whether or not someone should come out in the first place.  Should I come out to my 80 year old mother?  Should I come out to my conservative friends?  Should I come out at work?  I think that being out is far better than living in the closet, but the timing is an individual choice that has to be yours.

Some would say that the answer is always yes – come out as soon as you know yourself.  The viewpoint here is that telling the truth will set you free.  Being true to yourself does take less energy than lying (or omitting) part of yourself.  And there’s also less anxiety about being found out as well.  But I think this answer doesn’t take certain complexities into account.

The first thing to consider is whether or not it’s safe to come out in your situation.  For instance if your workplace is very homophobic and your personal safety might be a problem I would hesitate to tell someone to come out.  If there is a high likelihood that you could lose your home, income, or necessities then that is certainly something to consider. Sure the cause is bettered when people come out, but not when it means sacrificing something that will injure you physically, mentally, or emotionally.

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Coming Out Support

Several years ago I started a support group for people who were in the process of “coming out.”  I started it because the community seemed to need a resource that wasn’t simply a social group or a bar.  I had worked with the local LGBT community center for almost a decade, and it was a need that seemed to come up often.

Why a support group for this subset in the community?  After all, coming out is much easier these days right?  Not for everyone.  While there are more role models, society is more tolerant, and there are resources all over the internet, personal situations around coming out are still difficult.  Sometimes they can be terrifying for people.  Many are still afraid of coming out to parents, siblings, and even spouses.  There are so many fears and unknowns that coming out is still a process, not a simple event.

And some people need support in their coming out process, and often it needs to not be mixed with other things like the bar/club scene, social groups, dating, etc.  All these things can be good, but they don’t adequately serve the purpose of helping someone come out in a healthy way.  Trying to figure out what to do about a potential boyfriend/girlfriend is much more complicated when you’re trying to figure out yourself.

So my support group got off the ground and took off.  There were times when the group was 15-20 people all at different stages of coming out.  The interesting thing was that some people had been out for years but still needed support because they had encountered a new situation where they had to come out again.  Every situation is different and the group was well suited to work with people at any stage because of the diversity of experiences.

I wanted to post this because I have some thoughts on coming out – many of which came from my experiences administering and facilitating this group.  It was an immensely rewarding experience, and I wish I still had the time to participate.  I hope that some of the things that I learned from the group will translate here and can help someone who is somewhere in their own coming out process.

If you need resources right now, I would encourage you to check out HRC’s compilation of coming out resources at HRC: Coming Out: Resources.

Another celebrity comes out

I just read a blog about a celebrity coming out – Sean Maher.  The reaction I read was pretty ho-hum which I can understand.  I didn’t recognize the name either.  But I have to stop and think about how society (and I) would have reacted just a few years ago.  Maybe I am an old fogey, but remember when Melissa Etheridge, Ellen, and a select few celebs were out?

So to Mr Maher – congrats on being brave and out.  It’s may be easier these days, but not easy.  In the wake of recent tragedy it’s good to see new role models.  There never will be a shortage of those…

Support Group

My posting here has been a bit infrequent of late I admit.  But really I’m doing good things in the “real” world.  One thing I’ve been working on is starting a support group.  This is the reason I have a big ol’ box of cookies in my kitchen…

This whole thing started about a year ago when I was talking with some people about the lack of resources for LGBT people in the greater Akron area to go to if they are just coming out.  The community center I work with has many great events and things, but those can be overwhelming even for adults just putting their foot into the gay community.  I mean, If you think you might be gay, a big festival might not be the most supportive environment.  And having fielded many calls and emails from adults who are just now coming out, there is a need.

So about three months ago the planning process began.  Lucky for me, I have an amazing sister who is in the public health field, is very accomplished, and was willing to help me out.  She and I have planned very carefully, created goals and objectives, made timelines, created training programs for facilitators, and have reached out to professionals and other organizations for guidance and feedback.  We’ve put a lot of time and effort into this. Continue reading →